Bella's a Vampire!
by Tiger-Lilly162
Summary: A series of one-shots about the Cullens, set roughly around ten to twenty years after Edward changes Bella. Various points of view. Rated T for safety! Breaking Dawn and Nessie do not exist in my story
1. Alice's Makeover

**Bella's a Vampire!!**

**(Remember, Bella **_**is**_** a vampire in this whole story!)**

**Chapter One**

**Alice's Makeover**

**EPOV:**

"Bella, let's go!" I yelled up the stairs. We were _supposed _to be leaving for school, but Bella was being unusually uncooperative this morning. How she was acting at this moment was a perfect example. Instead of answering be, I only heard her musical laughter floating down the stairs and bits and pieces of her conversation with Alice.

"Alice…don't…stop!" I sighed. It sounded like Alice had kidnapped Bella for a makeover yet again, and I ran upstairs to save her.

However, the sight I saw was the exact opposite of what I was expecting to see. Bella's back was to me, and I instantly recognized her waist length brown hair and perfect butt. She turned to face me when she heard the door open, and her wide eyes were lit up with amusement. I was captivated by her beauty.

Alice's yell of "BELLAAAAA!!" brought me back to the present, though. I reluctantly tore my gaze away from my wife's face to look at Alice. I immediately fell over laughing when I saw her.

It appeared that Bella had decided to get Alice back for all the makeovers she had given Bella over the years. Bella had chained Alice to a chair, and then painted her face to look like a clown's. My always considerate Bella had been nice enough to complete Alice's look with a clown suit and a red, rubber nose.

Of course, Alice's furious expression made it all ten times funnier.

Bella pulled her camera out of her designer bag (courtesy of Alice) and snapped a picture of Alice the Clown as she giggled.

"Kay, I'm ready now," she said to me as she stuffed the camera back in her purse.

Still chuckling, we walked out to the Volvo hand in hand.

As we drove away, we heard Alice screaming "JASPERRRRRRRRRRR!" which sent us into another fit of laughter as we made our way to school.


	2. Emmett and the Coconuts

Emmett and the Coconuts

**Emmett and the Coconuts**

**CPOV:**

_Clickity, clackity, clickity, clackity_

I heard the sound of hoof beats outside my office door.

Wondering why a horse was in the house, I walked to my doorway and found Emmett skipping up and down the hallway banging coconuts together with a doll tied around his waist.

"Emmett…" I asked cautiously, "What are you doing?"

"It is I, Camelot, a Knight of the Round Table on a quest for the Holy Grail! This is my assistant, Patty," he said, pointing to the doll. "We have ridden through the winter snows of the mountains of-"

"Emmett, those are coconuts. You're not riding anything," I said, a bit concerned for his sanity.

"What?"

"You've got two empty coconuts and are banging them together."

"So? We have ridden-" he started to speak again, but I had shut the door in his face.

**A/N: It was a Monty Python reference, for those of you who don't know.**

**Review please!**


	3. Edward and Bella Plus 8

Edward and Bella Plus 8

**Edward and Bella Plus 8**

**BPOV:**

"Edward!" I said in a sing song voice to my husband one evening.

I had been sitting on our bed in the Cullen's home when suddenly I was reminded of a show I used to watch when I was a kid. Then, inspiration struck!

"Hmm?" Edward asked without looking up from the strand of my hair he currently playing with.

"I have an idea!" I said with enthusiasm.

"Oh?" he looked up at me, but continued to play with my hair.

"I think we should make a TV show called 'Edward and Bella Plus 8…starring Edward and Bella Cullen with their 8 adorable children!"

He very obviously thought that I was having a stupid, sarcastic ran. "Kind like 'Jon and Kate Plus 8'?" he asked me.

"Exactly…only with Edward and Bella, and with non-Korean kids!" I replied, totally serious.

"I think that's a great idea Bella, but you see, we don't have eight kids. In fact, we don't have any kids."

Alice had arrived in our room by that point in the conversation. Seeing with her gift that I was completely serious, she turned to Edward and said, "Duh, Edward, they invented adopting for a reason!"

And my husband, realizing that this was I fact not just stupid sarcasim, dropped my hair, took one look at my entirely serious face, and ran out the door, muttering something about divorice.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Shot of Edward and Bella coming out of house with a 'Washington State' subtitle at bottom of screen while voiceover plays

VO- (BELLA) 'Edward and I always knew that we wanted to have kids'

Shot of twins and sextuplets while voiceover plays

VO- (EDWARD) 'But we never imagined we'd have this many…'

**Haha, I love that show…**

**Oh yeah, I forgot the disclaimer thing or whatever so for the previous chapters and all future ones, I don't own Twilight (Insert me going "DUHHHHH!" here)**

**I also do not own Jon, Kate, and their adorable kids ******


	4. Author's Note

Author's Note

**Author's Note**

**Just a note from me, so if you only want to read the story, don't bother looking at this.**

**First, thanks to all of you who have reviewed so far. You're amazing!!**

**Second, please continue reviewing. Constructive criticism is welcome!**

**Third, I was thinking about doing a story with one-shots of me putting the various Cullens in various scenes from Monty Python. Let me know what you think.**

**Thanks for reading, that's it. The next chapter will be up very soon!**


	5. A Moment in the Life of Esme

A Moment in the Life of Esme Cullen

**A Moment in the Life of Esme Cullen**

**Esme POV**

"I see blue cows!" Carlisle exclaimed to me as he _pranced_ into the living room. Yes, pranced.

I sighed. He went a little whacko whenever the children were acting strange. I started upstairs to see what they were up to.

Emmett was the first one I found, and he was skipping up and down the hallway with coconuts. I shook my head as I walked past him. This behavior wasn't as strange as Emmett could act, so I figured I'd find the other children first and deal with them.

I found Alice next, who was chained to a chair in her and Jasper's room. She was also dressed in a clown suit. This was very strange, as I would have expected her to see a vision were my other kids decided to torture her. This told me that something was very wrong, and instead of helping her, I decided to investigate the extent of the damage.

Jasper had locked himself in a bathroom and was muttering "They're insane! Crazy!" I felt sympathy for him. The others' emotions were taking their toll on him.

Rosalie was locked in her room listening to music. For some reason I feared that she was the only sane child I had left.

Edward and Bella were the last I found, and they were in their room with eight kids running around and a complete production crew filming their every move.

I was used to my kids acting odd, but this had gotten out of hand. I was sick of fixing things when their stupid ideas went wrong. I felt a breakdown coming down, and I figured that getting out of this mad house was the smartest thing I could do at this point.

I practically ran downstairs and out to the garage, and the last thing I heard before I shut the door of my car was Carlisle saying, "Esme! The cows are turning purple!"

**Just a random thing I made up when I realized that Esme wasn't in my stories yet.**

**Review please!**


	6. Thunderbolts and Lightning

Thunderbolts and lightning

**Thunderbolts and lightning**

**APOV**

Rose, Bella, and I were watching a scary movie in the living room. It was Friday the thirteenth, and it was storming really hard outside, complete with lightning and everything. It had only seemed fitting to me for us to watch a scary movie, so I made it into a slumber party and kicked the guys out of the living room.

Suddenly, during a really bloody part of the movie, three figures dressed exactly like the killers in the movie walked in. All three of us screamed really, really loudly. But it got even _scarier_ when the started to sing!

"I see a little silhouetto of a man," one started to sing. He sort of sounded like Jasper, but we all screamed anyways.

"Scaramouch, Scaramouch," now they were all singing. We stopped screaming and listened.

"Will you do the Fandango," they continued. Funny, one kind of sounded like Emmett…

"Thunderbolts and lightning, very, very frightening me!" they all sang in booming voices.

"Galileo," now I was positive that super high voice was Jasper's.

"Galileo," and that was Edward…

"Galileo," Jasper…

"Galil-" Edward started to sing, but Bella had ripped off the mask he was wearing. I stared, waiting to see what she would do, but she was just glaring at Edward and holding the mask in a death grip. The rest had stopped singing, and I was a bit disappointed. They were actually quite good.

"Er…I'm just a poor boy and nobody loves-" he tried to start singing again, but Bella cut him off.

"EDWARD, I SWEAR!" she yelled. Wow, I'd never seen her this angry before.

Scared to death of Bella, all three of the guys ran away screaming like little girls. Bella glared after them for a few seconds, but giggled after that and dropped the mask. She came to sit in her spot in between me and Rosalie again and said, "Kay, let's watch the movie now.

Rosalie and I stared at each other over Bella's head for a few seconds, shocked. I just shook my head at her and she shrugged as she hit PLAY.

**Bohemian Rhapsody, baby. Listen to it if you haven't heard it before. I used the bit at the end.**

**Review please!**


	7. Edward Scissorlegs

Edward Scissorlegs

**Edward Scissorlegs**

**JPOV**

Bella, Rosalie, and Alice had gone hunting, and Esme and Carlisle were on a honeymoon, which left me alone with my two brothers. It was the second day of us being alone, and the house was unusually quiet. The only noise I heard was a horse, which was just Emmett and his coconuts. Yes, he was still in love with them and his assistant "Patty".

What shocked me a little bit though was the lack of music coming from Edward and Bella's room. Whenever Bella wasn't around, (which, okay, wasn't often, and never for long periods of time, but whatever) Edward usually played her lullaby over and over again. However, I heard no noise coming from Edward's room, so I decided I had better go investigate.

What I found was disturbing to a very high degree. Edward was lying on a couch with his legs clamped together, and he was holding the straight up in the air. He then pulled them apart and snapped them together again.

When he saw me in his room, he looked at me, and said in a very non-Edward like voice, "Edward Scissorlegs!" He then proceeded to giggle like a little girl.

I shook my head and walked out of the room. He had obviously gone crazy with Bella's absence, and I didn't feel like dealing with insanity at the moment.

**Haha, kind of like Edward Scissorhands or whatever. I've never seen the movie, though, but I've heard the title and my friend gave me the idea. Not very much like Edward, I know, but I found it hilarious and I had to write it.**

**Thanks for all of you who have reviewed, and for those of you who haven't, please click that little button on the left and tell me what you think.**


	8. Another Author's Note

Another Author's Note

**Another Author's Note**

**Just a message from me :-)**

**For all of you who wanted me to write the Monty Python series, (which, okay, was only a couple, but whatever) the first chapter is up at this URL: **

**/secure/livepreview.php?storyid4323005**

**I know that it seems short, but it is a whole scene from the movie.**

**The next chapter for the Monty Python thing will be up tomorrow or the next day, and the next chapter for this story will be up tomorrow, so make sure you read it ;-)**

**Love, **

**ME!!**


	9. Emmett's Blubber

Emmett's Blubber

**Emmett's Blubber**

**BPOV:**

I walked into the living room a bit anxious. (Okay, more like furious.) Someone had stolen my iPod from where it had been laying next to my computer.

I found Rosalie and Emmett there, and Emmett was sitting there with a huge bucket full of a fatty looking substance. Upon closer inspection, I saw that it was labeled "WHALE BLUBBER". My music was momentarily forgotten.

I almost threw up (which is no easy feat for a vampire) when I realized he was _eating_ it. I could practically see him getting bigger by the second.

"Emmett…you're huge!" I exclaimed in shock.

"Um, Bella, that's kind of the point," he told me in between mouthfuls. "Besides, when you're a vampire, this stuff goes straight to your thighs.

"Emmett, why would you want-"

"Look, Bella, I'm kind of busy, so could you stop talking?" Emmett asked. I thought this was a bit rude and decided that he did not deserve my attention anyways, so I turned to Rosalie.

She sighed as she started to explain here insane husband. "He just saw 'Kung Fu Panda' and the movies. Now he wants to be Kung Fu Emmett, and he decided the first step in getting there was getting fat. Hence the blubber."

"Er…right," I said and quickly decided that Alice had probably taken my iPod, and I used that as an excuse to get away from Emmett. But I was really going to find my own blubber so I could be Kung Fu _Bella_.

**Haha, poor Emmett, we love picking on him.**

**It was a little gross, I know, but I hope it was still funny!**

**Let me know what you think!**


	10. You can google it

You can google it

**You can google it…**

**Okay this isn't really a chapter but I was watching the latest Twilight Tuesday this morning and they had a scene that wasn't in the book and Bella was asking Edward how he stopped the van. They're like on a field trip or something and I suppose that it's taking place of the first hospital scene in the book. Anyways, I thought it was so hilarious; I just had to write it down, because that's what I do when I find something funny, and then I figured I might as well post it on fanfiction. Well, here it is…**

**Bella: So are you going to tell me how you stopped the van?**

**Edward: Yeah, you see, it was an adrenaline rush. They're actually very common. You can google it.**

**Short, I know but LOL!! It's on , so go check it out if you haven't already.**


	11. Stranger Than Emmett

Yay

**Yay!! I'm back!! I know, I like disappeared off the radar for a while there. But I was grounded from the computer and then I went on vacation for two weeks and it's been insane!! Please don't hate me!!**

**Disclaimer: SM owns the wonderfully awesome Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse. She also owns the not-so-awesome Breaking Dawn. Which leaves me with nothing.**

Stranger that Emmett

Emmett Point of View

I plopped down beside my little sis. She was sitting on a rock by the river. "Hey Bella, what's up?"

"Emmett." She didn't look at me, staring off into space. Her eyes were watering a bit. I figured it was because of all the milkweed around. Vampires don't do too well with milkweed. After a certain amount of time, they start sneezing and coughing and have giggling fits. I figured Bella was close to that time.

I followed her gaze and found nothing particularly interesting. Just a river, trees, and TONS of milkweed.

"Er, what are we looking at?"

She still didn't look at me. "We are imagining Emmett Cullen drowning."

"That's nice. Who's Emmett Cullen?"

"The main character of my book. I can't figure out how to kill him off." She sneezed at the end of explanation.

"Hmmm, maybe a death by a milkweed allergic reaction," I suggested.

"Milkweed…that's interesting…how would…one GIGGLE…go about GIGGLE…" She continued into a major giggling fit.

This was really, really weird. She was acting stranger than me. Me…Emmett…Cullen…hey…wait a minute!

"Bella!! BELLA!! I'm Emmett Cullen!! And I've been hearing your voice inside my head for months narrating my life!! You can't kill me!! I'm a real person!!"

Her only response was to cough in between every couple of giggles.

"You said little did I know once!! Were you suggesting that I know little?!" I demanded her to answer me. If she thought I didn't know anything, I was going to be ticked, big time. I might also have a breakdown.

She just giggled more.

I took that to be a yes, and ran off to my room so I could cry into my fluffy pink pillow I used for my breakdowns.

**Ugh, I'm ticked. Microsoft Word told me that majorly (Ugh!! There's that annoying red squiggly line again!) wasn't a word while I was typing this.**

**:-( It's like, my favorite word to use when I talk about being ticked off. Such as "I'm majorly ticked!"**

**Oh, well, I suppose I'll have to get over it. **

**This was short, I know, but I just watched 'Stranger Than Fiction' and have had this idea in my head. I promise that the next update will be longer!**

**Review if you aren't majorly ticked for me not updating!! Or if you are majorly ticked, go ahead and tell me. Possibly it will motivate me to update more often.**


	12. What Would You Do For A Klondike Bar?

.BPOV

I sat down at the computer that was placed in the middle of the living room and switched onto my account. I pulled open the internet, and my home page, , popped up. I read the main headline…

And was shocked.

GIANT NOBODY MAKES BIG SPLASH WITH KLONDIKE COMMERCIAL

I must have read it at least ten times, because underneath was a picture of Emmett.

There was a link to a YouTube video and I clicked it. It ended up being the commercial, and Emmett was the star.

"What would _I_ do for a Klondike bar?" he asked the camera. "I'd drink blood!" He then bent down and started sucking from a bear. I was revolted. How could he do that and expose us?

"EMMETT!!" I screamed up the stairs. He was by my side in a second, and Edward showed up too, probably thinking his brother was attacking me.

"Yeah?" he asked innocently.

I jabbed my finger at the computer screen. "What is this?"

"Oh, relax Bella; I was just having a little fun." He plopped down on the couch.

"Emmett! Fun? You think potentially exposing us as vampires is _fun_?"

He simply ignored me.

Fuming, I turned to Edward. He shrugged and said, "He did it without Carlisle's permission. He got bored one day while Rosalie was shopping, filmed it, and sent it in. I guess they decided it was worth a Klondike bar." He grinned sheepishly.

"So what happens when Aro comes knocking on our door?"

Just then, as if we were in a sick horror movie, there was a knock at the door. Emmett got up and opened it, and low and behold, Aro was standing on the threshold to our home.

The menacing Aro growled. "You stole my idea!"

**Another Emmett chapter, I know, but I couldn't resist. I love him too much. Review and let me know what you think.**


	13. The Mysterious Ticking Noise

**The Mysterious Ticking Noise people, check it out on YouTube if you haven't done so already, and this will be sooo much funnier.**

"What _is_ that mysterious ticking noise…hmm…" I said to myself. There was this awful, annoying tap, tap, tap coming from somewhere…

I quickly ran around the house trying to find the source. I couldn't find it anywhere! Oh well, the ticking was kind of catchy…

"Alice, Alice, Alice Cullen!" I sang out. My name fit the tune perfectly!

"Alice, Alice, Alice Cullen!" I sang again.

Out of nowhere Carlisle popped up from behind me and sang his name in perfect harmony with the ticking and my singing.

I kept singing "Alice, Alice, Alice Cullen" and Carlisle kept going, too. It was turning into this awesome sounding rhythm song thing…

And then Emmett popped up too going "Emmett, Emmett, Emmett Cullen" along with us in this high pitched voice…

And then Rosalie started saying her name in a catchy way…

And then egotistic Edward popped up going "Edward Cullen, Edward Cullen, Yeah, I'm Edward Cullen, Huh, Edward Cullen!"

God he was annoying. My name was so much better than his too.

I turned to him and went "Alice!"

And he went "Edward!"

And I went "Alice!"

And he went "Edward!"

And it went like that for a long, long time…

Till Carlisle popped up behind us, shirtless, singing his name.

And then the whole thing started again. It was soooo much fun!

Finally we simultaneously decided to stop and finished with "Singing our song, all day long, in For-rrks!!"

And then Emmett pulled something from underneath the couch and said in his super high voice "I've found the source of the ticking! It's a pipe bomb!"

We all shouted "YAY!" Wait, a pipe bomb…

And we were all dead and burning.

In the faint background of death I heard "Aro, Aro, oh Aro-y, Aro-y-o, Aro!"

THE END

**I am SOOOOOOOOO sorry about the lack of updates guys! I had a really bad shortage of ideas. I promise to update again soon, though!**

**You guys have been AWESOME with reviewing so far, and I ask that you keep it up and tell me what you thought of this chapter!**

**I'm also thinking about changing the title…any ideas?**


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